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Chris Carlisle

Chris Carlisle is a wildly successful online humor columnist and self-proclaimed connoisseur of giant burritos. He attributes all of his success to meeting Lou Ferigno at a car show in Dayton Ohio back in 1982. Chris Carlisle's website

Goodbye Cruel World (of Warcraft) PDF Print E-mail
Written by Chris Carlisle   
Wednesday, 12 March 2008

ImageImageFor all intents and purposes, the following is a suicide note.

Okay, I’m not really killing myself (you can stop emailing me the suicide prevention hotline number).  Well, not my physical self at least.   I am however killing off a virtual version of myself, so while it does deal with the ceasing of life it’s in the virtual and not literal sense.  I guess you could call it a WoWicide.

Yes, I’ve finally decided to give up on the World of Warcraft.  I just can’t take the pressure anymore as my virtual life isn’t exactly the escape from reality, safe haven I thought it would be.

Sure, my life began promising enough as a young dwarven hunter roaming the mountains of Ironforge.  I ventured the countryside slaying countless beasts as I completed each quest offered to me by my dwarven elders.  As I leveled up, I traveled outward into the world (of Warcraft).  In my teens (lvls 13 - 19), I gallivanted across the plains of Westfall, slaughtering even more beasts and evildoers as the townsfolk sang my praises.  I was on top of the World (of Warcraft).  The World (of Warcraft) was my oyster.  How quickly things changed.

My troubles began in my mid to late (level) twenties as I was settling into my career as an adventurer.  The quests started becoming increasingly harder, many of which required the assistance of other players in the game to complete.  Even though I was eager and felt that I was up to the task, I found myself faltering.  And were my fellow players any help?  Heavens no!  They pushed me aside, chastising me as a noob (or newb, n00b, or every other variation of the term).  I grew to hate the word noob and all of it’s variations, but no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I finally accepted the fact that I was indeed a noob.

World of Warcraft
Death of the Dwarf Hunter
It’s no fun being a noob.  For one thing, noobz get pwn’d a lot (or pwnd, p0wn’d, etc).  If you’ve never been pwn’d, consider yourself lucky.  It truly is a humiliating experience, especially when you realize the person responsible for your pwning is probably a 12 yr old kid.  It didn’t matter that I made more money than him (and possibly his father), didn’t matter that I was a college graduate, and it didn’t even matter that in a real world confrontation I could’ve beaten the little punk senseless.  We weren’t in the real world; we were in the World of Warcraft, and his twinked-out female night elf warrior pwn’d my noob dwarven hunter, and then proceeded to remind me in no uncertain terms that I was a noob who had just been pwn‘d.

It was then that I realized that I wasn’t long for the World (of Warcraft).  I continued playing for another month (it was already paid for, no need to waste money), but I was mostly just going through the motions.  So when my time expired I made no effort to re-up my subscription, as I was content to let that part of me die a quiet virtual death.

It's been three weeks since my last pwnage, and although I occasionally pine for the lush virtual landscapes and architecture, I can't say I regret ending my virtual life.  I've picked up some less stressful hobbies to fill my time and I would even say that I'm happier now in my real life as a result of my WoWicide.  In spite of all that, I can't bring myself to delete the game for good from my computer.  Although I resist for now, I can't say for certain that I'll never venture back into the World of Warcraft. 

I guess what they say is true.  Us noobz are just gluttons for punishment.

 





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aA - Valhalla IP:66.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-04-04 15:30:04
You have "crossed over" into your Valhalla, brave warrior. I guess. I don't know the first thing about WoW...just that i don't like games where you have to think and plan. Risk, Monopoly, Stratego...no thanx. Scrabble is playable, cuz I like words.

So enjoy your "new life" as a hormal numan bean.
deb'm IP:66.xxx.xxx.xxx | 2008-08-14 08:09:05
i wanted to play WoW, but I couldn't justify spending money to play a game that i would probably suck at. it was against my principles, my christian sensibilities, and my moral fiber. and plus, i like my money.
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