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  So my husband gets home from work and sniggers as he shows me a catalogue they gave him at work. He's meant to select a gift from it, which will be presented to him at an awards ceremony for five years of service at his company.
"Oh wow," I say, snatching the catalogue out of his hands. "They're giving you a free gift! Is it like something great, like a holiday in the Bahamas?"
"Not quite," he says.
So I leaf through the catalogue of gifts for five years of service.
"Hmm," I say, looking through the paltry collection. "I see what you mean. I wonder which of these can most easily be sold on E-bay? What about the Pro Sport All Black Duffel bag with comfortable handles and adjustable shoulder straps, accented with the company logo?"
"I'm not going to an awards ceremony to be presented with a duffel bag. Actually, I'm not going to the presentation ceremony full stop."
"But I'm so proud of you, of your five years of service," I gush. "Of course you're going, I mean we're going. I mean, there's going to be a free buffet right?"
"I don't think there is a free buffet."
 "No buffet? Wow, these guys are cheap." I skim the catalogue. "I think I want the desk clock, mounted in a titanium-finished pencil cup, which can be easily removed and used as a travel alarm! These gifts are more of an insult than a celebration, aren't they? No wait, I think I'm going with the simple but elegant earrings that feature simulated pearls from the Island of Mallorca and 14-kt. gold posts. Is 14-kt enough gold karat not to get metal poisoning?"
"I think it's okay," he says, "You can't really poison someone through their ears to the point of death. I mean, you can just get an infection from cheap earrings. You can poison someone with gold if it's ground up fine enough though."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, if you sprinkle fine gold particles on someone's food every day, you can poison them slowly over six weeks or so. It eventually causes failure of all the major organs."
"But wouldn't the doctors twig what was going on?"
"I doubt it. Who tests someone for gold poisoning?"
There was an ominous silence.
"Wait," I said. "It's a great idea. And a great use for unwanted company gifts." |
Emma K
