Halloween is tonight and there are some hard-and-fast lessons that I've learned through the years.
I urge you to follow my advice lest you end up on the trick end of tonight's festivities.
1. Don't go trick-or-treating if you are in the thick of puberty.
I have a separate candy stash that is just for the "too-old" kids. You'll receive my choice of a single smarties package, a single small tootsie roll, or a "pretend" candy as I stick my hand in your bag and "flick" it with my finger giving the illusion that you actually received something. If you're 15, you should be escorting your little brother, or at a party with friends. You should not try to be mooching my full-size candy bars that are for cute little kids in costume. The double whammy is if you are 15, and show up in one of your older brothers football shirts in hopes of getting candy while putting the very smallest amount of effort into putting on a real costume ... You'll only receive ridicule from me. (perhaps this is why my pumpkins are always getting smashed)
2. If you are single, and plan on attending a party with dozens of hot females, don't dress up as an old woman.
While it may get a bunch of votes for "best costume" and you'll look funny doing the limbo, it is not the ideal costume to pick up girls. Most girls have a hard time getting over the fact that they're dirty dancing with a grandma.
3. Don't set out candy on your doorstep with a sign saying, "Please take one."
The term "one" means different things to many, and as a young boy the term meant "one handful." You'll be out of candy by 6:30, and the hoodlums I mentioned in the first paragraph will take out their rage on your pumpkins.
4. Do not create a "haunted house" in your living room and charge a dollar per person.
This is actually going on in a neighborhood near my home. Ridiculous.
First of all, your 1986 "scary sounds with Vincent Price" cassette tape and old refrigerator boxes painted black do not a constitute a haunted house. Secondly, the fact that you charge a dollar makes me want to get the police to see if you have a business license. And lastly, the odds that some creepy guy is hiding behind the boxes in order to "feel up" unsuspecting victims is about 37%. If I wanted to pay money to get some nookie, I sure as hell wouldn't want it from a 59 year old named Ned.
5. If you do not celebrate Halloween or don't plan on giving out any candy, please turn off your lights.
The next time my kids walk somberly away from your house after hearing one of your lame excuses, I'm going to contact the hoodlums in paragraph one to smash up my pumpkins on your doorstep.
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